


Things I Know (Hate And Love)

by rivaillin



Series: Hate And Love [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Odi et Amo, POV First Person, Side Story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-25
Updated: 2014-11-25
Packaged: 2018-02-26 23:39:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2670692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rivaillin/pseuds/rivaillin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’ve liked that kid for way longer than he has liked me. I have the fucking right to be doubtful, don’t I?”</p><p>Chapter 14 on Levi's POV.<br/>OEA related.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things I Know (Hate And Love)

**Author's Note:**

> This was requested by a friend of mine. She asked me to write Levi's version of one of the chapters so I picked chapter 14 because... why not?? Anyway, yeah, I hope this gives a bit more of insight to Levi's character.
> 
> With that said, excuse me while I finish chapter 15.
> 
> PS: Tell me if you spot typos. I'm too tired to go over this...

On Fridays, we have 4 hours of History of Arts Level 4. Some say it’s boring and that it shouldn’t be part of the repertoire. In my opinion, it’s a subject that needs just as much praise as any other, considering most people don’t have what’s called cultural common sense nowadays.

Farlan and I had agreed to meet for lunch, but he texted me midway the second period saying he couldn’t make it because Isabel was sick and _someone_ had to watch over her. It was shameful because I was actually looking forward to it, but it couldn’t be helped. I considered grabbing something and showing up at their place, but then it flashed my mind that _sick Isabel_ meant _sick everyone_ and I didn’t want to go down that disgustingly annoying road. I’d managed to keep myself healthy so far and I wanted to keep it that way.

I didn’t want to go to the dorms just yet. I knew Eren finished classes early today and I didn’t want to see his face. Not knowing that the mere sight of him inspired those feelings I’d grown to dislike so much in the past few weeks. I needed to get those under control, and Eren didn’t help me at all by keeping in tail with whatever I did.

I stood by the university’s entry for a while as I searched my contacts. Despite my lack of friends, there should be someone—at least one person—I could kidnap to enjoy lunch with me. I stopped over Erwin’s contact and grimaced a little. No fucking way. So I went on to Hanji’s, which only made me roll my eyes. I didn’t stop at my sister’s but then I figured it wouldn’t be such a bad idea so I scrolled up and swiped my thumb over the screen to the left.

I wrote, _“Wanna have lunch with me?”_ It was simple and didn’t imply any escapism. The answer came five minutes later and it was, _“Come to our building. I’m in the cafeteria with Annie... Want me to order for you?”_ I replied with a simple _“Yes.”_

Turns out Annie was having some trouble with a paper she had due next Monday and Mikasa was helping her out. I stood by even after lunch, taking my time to revise some of today’s notes.

Annie had a meeting that afternoon and Mikasa and I knew we had to leave since we were going home for the weekend. We made to the dorms in silence. She only talked once we started climbing those infernal stairs.

“I was bored in class today so I filled a little bag a few pieces of paper. I already picked mine and Annie already picked hers.”

I knew she was talking about the shitty Secret Santa thing, which reminded me of my original goal to agreeing with that. “Did you do what I asked you?” I questioned.

Mikasa side glanced at me, “Yeah, I did. Are you sure about this, though?”

“I am.”

“You know, I’ve noticed you’re avoiding him. Why are you playing around?”

I stopped right before the last group of stairs and glared at her. “I’m not playing around. You should know better than that.” I paused to hold her challenging stare and then sighed and looked away. “There’s just a lot on my mind.”

Mikasa tilted her head to the side. “Care to explain?”

I frowned at the suggestion. “No.”

“Levi, whatever you’re doing… have in mind Eren won’t wait forever.”

“I know,” I started climbing the stairs again, “I know that. But for fuck’s sake, what am I supposed to believe?” I stopped again at the top and looked at my sister over my shoulder. “I’ve liked that kid for way longer than he has liked me. I have the _fucking_ right to be doubtful, don’t I?”

Mikasa narrowed her eyes, “What do you mean? I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

Of _fucking_ course she didn’t. It’s not like I ever told anyone the person I’ve liked for all this years happened to be Eren. It’s not like I told anyone I felt like I owned him in a way just because I’ve had feelings for him way longer than all these people. Shit, for all I knew, the only one who had more rights to Eren than I had was Armin—and this is not like I didn’t know it was a wrong mindset. Eren was no one’s, which that much I knew, but still…

I turned around and ignored Mikasa.

It’s not like I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted Eren. But I had never been in a position of being able to allow myself to want him. Before, it was all wishful needing. But right now, after knowing I could actually _do_ something about it, it was overwhelming how much I wanted him to look at me, and _only_ at me, and how much I wanted to do the same.

So why did I say no back then? Because no one has ever liked me in the way I need them too. I know that if I do certain things and behave in a certain way, people will get curious. I know that if I show that I can look nice in a way or another, people are going to want it. But from that to actually liking me as a person goes a long, long shot. And even if Eren could keep up with my mildly chaotic personality, I was still doubtful. Doubtful, because it can’t be possible that the only person I ever cared this much for is returning the same feelings. Same, because if it was any less I knew it wouldn’t last and I’d rather have Eren a few meters away than have him a mile away.

Something was always better than nothing.

I walked to my room, dropped my bag on the floor and then paced to my wardrobe. I knew I had a bag to make so I wasted no time. Marco had left a few books over his desk. I remembered he had to rush through some lines this morning, so I made him a favor and tidied his desk. I was ready to go in less than twenty minutes, and Mikasa was already waiting for me when I closed my room.

She extended a tiny plastic bag to me and smiled small. “Ask Reiner and Bert to draw one. Also,” she extended me a scrap of paper she had in her other hand and came closer to whisper in my ear, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

I held the bag and took the paper in my palm. The name Eren was written on it in Mikasa’s curved and upright handwriting. I looked at it for a moment and then shoved the tiny paper down my pocket before I made to the fuck boys’ room.

Whoever Reiner got must have been someone he didn’t expect because his expression was downright priceless. Bert just smiled small at his own tiny paper and then at me.

“I got Jean,” he said in a low voice.

Reiner elbowed him. “Idiot!” You’re not supposed to say!”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, that means you have the easy job.”

Bert blinked at me, “What do you mean?” He looked at Reiner then, “I seriously have no idea of what to give him. I’ll need help.”

Reiner snorted, “Oh, I know what you can give him.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Are going to prank him? Really?”

“Why not? It’s his thing, anyway.”

I nodded, “That’s true.”

We were standing at the end of the corridor right in front of the door, where Mikasa had left her bags and where I’d placed mine already, when Eren huffed a sigh as he dropped his bag on the floor.

I noticed he wasn’t looking my way. Somehow, I wasn’t surprised and I knew I deserved some shitty treatment as payback for how I was ignoring him, but it still made me angry to know I couldn’t have his attention.

“Eren,” his name left my mouth without my consent. I was freaking out because I had nothing to say when he looked at me, expectant, but then I remembered I had that shitty plastic bag in my hand. “Christmas shitty Santa thing…” I muttered as I extended him the bag.

Eren stared at it for a moment and then at Reiner and Bert by my side. Then, he finally made for it and took a paper out. I noticed the small smile he made and I was content. At least _that_ made him smile.

But then I caught his eyes moving to watch me so I looked away. “Have you picked?” He asked, rather enthusiastically.

“Yeah. I have.” I made it short and then moved away, dropping the plastic bag in Mikasa’s hands before I went to the kitchen to get something to drink.

Mikasa left a few minutes later to go get Farlan’s car, which left me and Eren in charge of taking the bags downstairs. We made it in silence, for which I was glad. When we met up with Armin by the front gate I only nodded in acknowledgement of the other kid and then shoved my earphones in.

“Do you like Metallica?” Armin asked when he caught a drift of the song.

I shrugged and looked at the road, “It calms me down.”

I was left to my own devices then. Armin and Eren happily talked about something I didn’t care enough about to lower the volume of my music, and then Mikasa rolled by and stopped the car in front of us.

We loaded the car and I quickly made it to the front. Mikasa only gave me a faint smile when we crossed gazes, but then I ignored her and the brats and enjoyed my time looking out the window.

I watched the sun go down while Mikasa angrily drove through the city traffic and then started thinking about _home_. Home meant a lot of things to me, most of them not so good. For once, it meant I could go on about my life without caring much for food or cleaning for the weekend. But it also meant that if _that_ was home, I would probably have the next worst days ever. It was always worse when we visited.

I groaned a little and then looked at Mikasa, “Is dad home?”

“I don’t know. I hope not. I didn’t come over this weekend to listen to you two argue over every little thing.”

I glared at her but opted to turn away and drop the subject.

“By the way,” I heard her say, “tell me when you guys are hungry, ok? It’s still a bit early but we won’t be there until after dinner time, and I will need to stretch my legs so when you’re hungry you tell me and I’ll stop somewhere.” She was probably talking to the brats.

“Ugh,” this was Armin. “Jean and Marco are going out to have sushi tonight. I’m jealous.”

“Jealous of the food? Or jealous of Marco?” Mikasa asked with more glee to her voice than I’d have expected. She was teasing the poor kid.

“The… Jean. Jealous of Jean. I mean, he knows I like sushi so…” I didn’t have to turn to know Armin was probably blushing in all shades of red.

Eren snorted. “I’d say you’re jealous of both the food and Marco.”

“Eren!” Armin’s voice was deafening to me.

Mikasa snickered a little to herself. “Oh, I could tell you a little about the food.”

Now, I actually had to turn and look at her. But _look_ as if she has grown another head because _Jesus fucking Christ_ and whatever other blasphemy I could come up with. I had to shut myself down and ignore the rest of the conversation because I didn’t want to lose my wit just yet. Mikasa could keep her sexual life to herself.

I embraced the silence when it came. I paid attention to the radio, glad because they were giving us good music. But then _Superheroes_ played and my intentions betrayed me because my head turned my eyes snapped towards Eren. He was looking at me, but turned away before I could say something.

Armin was demanding food a few hours later.

The whole of dinner went by rather ok, despite the filthy woman, self-entitled waitress, who managed to perform a miracle and prepare decent food for us. I also tried not to mind Eren’s presence that much, or how his foot managed to fit between my feet, somehow. I also tried to ignore Mikasa’s attempts at getting something out of Eren, which only had me choking all the way to hell, more than once. She almost got me when she mentioned some girl named Hannah, but I quickly leapt over that one too.

It was all good until I was alone with Eren in the car and Mikasa and Armin were gone to the convenience store.

The mood was set and I was just waiting for Eren to open up the conversation, which he did but not in the way I’d expected.

“Was it that bad?” He asked. I didn’t reply because I wasn’t sure what he meant, but he rephrased it for me, “You didn’t like it, right? That night… is that why you’re avoiding me?”

My eyebrows knit together. I was still processing the first part of his line but I said, “I’m not avoiding you.”

“You are. I might be stupid but I am not dumb. So I’m assuming you didn’t like it. That or when you said you liked me was only so you could get somewhere.”

Something inside me snapped and I turned to glare at him. He was allowed a lot of things, but the one thing I wouldn’t tolerate was for him to belittle whatever I said, no matter what it was about. “What the fuck did you say?”

“I said—”

“No, no. What did you just imply?” I interrupted. “I hope you didn’t imply what I think you did because I’ll shoot you dead _right now_ for even considering it.”

Eren’s anger was obvious even before it showed on his face. “So what? So what if I implied whatever you think I implied? I don’t understand!” He gestured at me, “I just want to know why and you’re not giving me any satisfactions. I deserve to know—”

But he didn’t have the right to be angry because I was angry. “You don’t deserve squat, Eren.”

“Right, right. You know what? I don’t even know why I like you in the first place.”

That stung, but I tried to keep a stern face. I probably failed, though. “Fucking mystery,” I said just to martyrize myself a little more.

“You bet it is. And the worst part is that the more I think about forgetting it, the more it haunts me. This is really shitty. You shouldn’t have the right to mess with my head.”

_You know nothing, Eren. That’s nothing compared to what I’ve been going through because of your shitty sorry ass._

“What the hell do you want from me, Eren?” I asked, trying to hide how afraid I was of the answer.

“I don’t know exactly,” He could have lost me right there but then he _had_ to add what I wanted to hear, “I want a lot... Most of all, I want to enjoy doing mundane things with you, but then I also want to be around all the time and even so it’s not eno—”

“You are around all the time,” And he was. All the fucking time, inside my head, being an annoying little shit.

He frowned. “That’s not what I mean. You don’t understand, it’s—”

“Eren, I understand. I do, and that’s not the problem.”

He looked at me with the usual puppy eyes, “Then what’s the problem?”

I considered telling him, I really did. But in one moment I was trying to get it out and in the other I was being assaulted by doubt all over again. Eren was growing impatient and that wasn’t helping. I probably took too long, I definitely took too long, and next thing I knew Mikasa and Armin were back and I had to turn around in a futile attempt to pretend whatever I had to say didn’t matter.

Mikasa passed me one of the jelly beans she’d bought at the convenience store, but I ended up having to swallow it whole because I choked on it.

I felt completely ignored for the rest of the trip. Eren didn’t even spare me a look when we dropped him and Armin home. When Mikasa sped up right after we left them though, she did give me a down-up glance from where she was.

“Did you fight?” She asked.

I bit at my lower lip, trying to avoid biting at my nails. “A misunderstanding, I’d say.”

“You should talk to him, Levi.”

I glared at nowhere in particular. “Shut up and drive. I need a shower.”

My hand dropped to my pocket and I felt the tiny scrap of paper. I frowned as I squeezed my hand around it. I’d have to think of a way to make things right. I just hoped I was still in time whenever I decided to quit acting like a little kid.


End file.
